That little voice is also lying when it says things like, “He’s never going to like you.” Or “She’s so much prettier than you,” and “He’s never going to want you.”
But the more we tell ourselves things like that, we believe them. And suddenly, we have excuses to spend Saturday nights at home, cuddled up with our BFFs, Ben and Jerry, watching Project Runway Marathons. A few weeks without a date becomes a few months and then suddenly it’s over a year since you’ve been out to dinner with a man who’s not your gay bestie or your brother.
So, before we go speeding down the highway to Spinsterhood, let’s take a moment and recognize the stories we tell ourselves about why we’re not dating.
Author, Nancy Lamb, refers to our most destructive inner critic as, “The Bitch.” She’s that inner voice that says, “What makes you think he’d ever like you?”
Well, the good news is, The Bitch is a liar. The bad news is it takes work to ignore her. It’s very difficult to just decide on a random Thursday that you’re no longer to believe the lies you’ve been believing for years. You have to fight against them. You have to fight The Bitch.
To start, Lamb suggests, “Instead of cowering, take a deep breath and tell that double-dealing, undermining, life-negating, confidence-stealing dominatrix to shut her mouth, back off your personal stage and stay in the basement where she belongs.”
Excellent advice. Any time you hear negative thoughts, tell The Bitch to shut up. Then turn that negative into a positive. It doesn’t matter if you think it in your head or shout it out loud, just make sure to back up your defense with facts.
For example, if The Bitch says, “What makes you think he’d ever like you?” Respond with, “Why wouldn’t he like me? I’m kind, smart, funny and I have gorgeous hair.”
For some of us, complimenting ourselves can be really hard. The Bitch may be so powerful that it’s difficult for you to come up with nice things to say about yourself. You are not alone. Unfortunately, too often, we get caught in a spiral of criticizing ourselves.
Would You Say That To Your Friend?
In fact, you may be so used to running negative inner dialogue that you might not even notice it anymore. A good way to identify The Bitch is to ask yourself, “Would I say that to my friend?”
For example, would you say, “You’re too fat,” “Why are you so stupid?” “He won’t want you” or “You’re so ugly” to your friend?
No, of course not. So, why would it be okay to say things like that to the person you need to love the most – yourself?
Negative inner dialogue may not seem like that big of a deal. But it is. Think about it. Who wants to date someone who thinks there’s something wrong here?
You guessed it, people who have something wrong with them.
So, the next time you hear The Bitch whisper, know that she’s lying and shut her up. Recognize her stories for the lies they are and then change them. Your new inner dialogue should include all the things that make you valuable.
Make a list of all the qualities that make you awesome. Include little things like your precise parallel parking skills and big things like your enormous capacity to love. Then every day, read it aloud. Look at yourself in the mirror while you do it. And whenever you feel a little unsure, repeat that list of fabulous qualities to yourself. After a while, you’ll believe it.