One of my girlfriends recently divorced her husband. When they first started dating, he’d randomly rumble up to the club on his Harley, wait for her to bounce on the back, and whisk her away. Then she’d suffer for weeks, until out of nowhere, that single headlight appeared through the darkness.
She chased his hot and cold-ass for years until finally she somehow got him to put a ring on it. Now, after a decade of a mostly cold marriage spent wondering exactly where he kept riding off to on most nights, she’s single again and dating.
Joe, the new guy, is “gorgeous.” “Totally ripped up.” “A highly sought-after personal trainer who unfortunately has a crazy schedule.” So when someone cancels a session, he calls her. And she dashes off to meet him.
What she doesn’t realize is that she’s falling for the same guy she married. The only difference is that he wears Nike and workout gear instead of leathers and a helmet.
Considering she’s spent most of her life with only one guy, it’s hard to blame her for not knowing any better. But what about the rest of you? How many times should you fall for the same guy before you consider yourself insane? When you think about it, the whole concept of having a “type” is pretty warped. It basically means that we’re consistently attracted to the same guy. But if that guy was good for us, we’d only need to date one, right? We wouldn’t have to keep trying to make it work with enough of them to be able to diagnose ourselves with a type, would we?
If you’re worried that you’re falling for the same type and not the actual guy, here are some things to watch for:
1. Repetition. Is your love life starting to feel like it’s on a loop? When you tell Mike about that funny thing that happened to you and the glaze in his eyes reminds you of the same one Tom, Dan, and Jared had whenever you spoke, that’s a sign.
Note the signs. Write them down, so when the good times roll, you can’t forget the signs ever popped up.
2. Intuition. Another red flag is that indescribable pang when someone hurts you in a familiar way. Maybe it’s his condescending tone or an indifferent shrug to your warm touch. It’s not so much what he does, it’s how your intuition responds to it. Like you know it too well.
Listen to your intuition. It’s telling you something for a reason.
3. Progress (or lack thereof). Do most of your relationships start off with a bang, move on to the inability to part for even an hour and suddenly slam into the wall of breakup truth? Or does each relationship look different? Do you progress to different dating milestones? Do you learn more about yourself with each one? Does each significant other make you feel increasingly more important, loved, and valued?
If your relationships don’t progress, it may be time to take a deeper look into what’s going on and consider if you keep falling for the same guy.
If you feel slightly nauseous while reading any of those things to watch out for, you might need to shift how you react to your type. Instead of spotting your type and putting on your best flirt, spot your type and move on. If the pull is strong, remember you deserve better.